


enchanted

by outspaced



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, F/F, Not Canon Compliant, Outspaced attempts to write, Rewrite, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:55:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24179308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outspaced/pseuds/outspaced
Summary: "All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you."Ellie Chu grew up in Suzhou, China. Her family came to America to seek treatments for her mother's illness, and when the world came crashing down, Edwin Chu decided he needed a break from the city life, moving to small-town Squahamish. She kept to herself, never letting anyone get close. Aster Flores's family never left Sacramento. Aster, herself, never planned to leave. The fear of God and the fear of what was out that had been implanted into her since she was little and that wasn't going to change. College rolled around and she found herself on an unexpectedly full ride in Iowa.In other words: Ellie and Aster never met till college and they were roommates! rating subject to change if anything changes although I don't see that it will
Relationships: Edwin Chu & Ellie Chu, Ellie Chu & Aster Flores, Ellie Chu & Paul Munsky, Ellie Chu/Aster Flores
Comments: 22
Kudos: 123





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of an ambitious project and bear in mind that I have yet to attend university so a lot of possibly incorrect research has been done for this. That being said, enjoy my midnight rambling. Come talk to me and spoil my own fic at outspaced-writes.tumblr.com/post/618147788541280256/enchanted because why not. 
> 
> Spot an error? Tell me about it. No beta so all mistakes are mine

The journey from Squahamish to Grinnell was nothing short of exhausting. Edwin Chu almost considered moving all the way to Grinnell with his daughter, with only the cost of it preventing him. With any other parent, it could be chalked down to missing their one and only child but when it came to Ellie, there was more to it. He knew how she got so anxious in unfamiliar environments and how she was prone to break down when something unexpected happened. He knew that being cooped up and surrounded by strangers on a train would be difficult and the seats would probably be a bad texture against her skin.

He did the best that he could, preparing a safe food that she would scarf down even when it turned cold, making sure all her clothes smelled like home and that she wore clothes comfortable enough for a long trip. Long sleeves so that she wouldn’t touch more than she would like to, soft shirts for the texture and her jacket for the weight. She had a charger, power bank, and earbuds which should help tune out any noise, if needed. It wasn’t like he had never searched what most would call personality quirks online but there was nothing he could afford. It was all in English anyway.

There was a dim memory of little Ai Leih being pulled out of class one day, when she was six. She’d had what the teachers called a raging tantrum the day before, when a fire alarm unexpectedly went off. Screaming, covering her ears, rocking back and forth, biting anybody who dared touch her, the whole shebang. The next day, they sat her down and let her play with puzzles and fill in questionnaires but Ellie being a girl, they let it slide. She’d grown to mask most of it eventually. Still, college would be a big change and he didn’t know if her coping mechanisms would hold up. 

With Paul’s help, he carefully crafted a list of the things she would have to buy at Grinnell and how to access the money he had put aside for these things. There were specific things too, like the type of detergent they used. With any other parent, it would be assumed that they were babying their child but Ellie was responsible enough to take care of herself, to know how to mend clothes, and to get more if she needed. If anything, she was more capable than most people her age, having more or less raised herself since she was thirteen. Still, Edwin Chu fretted and worried and kept checking to see if she had everything she needed and told her not to worry about the guitar, he set aside money for a new one if she wanted or he could find a way to safely mail it to her since she didn’t have the hands to carry it on the train. Ellie Chu placed one hand on her father’s shoulder— more contact than the Asian family was used to— with one hand rubbing the hem of her jacket between her finger and her thumb and reassured him that she would be fine and that she would call often. 

Paul was there, too, to send her off. He stood on the platform, smiled, waved, and ran after the train. Like a moron. Still, all those mornings spent chasing her bike must have been a good workout because he kept up for pretty long. Or longer than those businessmen in suits. They set the bar pretty low anyway. So, yes, Paul was still a moron. He was her moron and her best friend and her phone started going crazy with messages less than a minute after he fell out of sight. 

Paul: BTW theres yakult in there, your dad says drink before it spoils 🍶🍶🍶

Emojis were one thing, whether or not Paul understood the emojis he liked to send were another. 

Ellie: 🍍🦉🐛

Paul: What does that mean?????? 🤔

Ellie: ask yourself. I didn’t know what to say. thanks for the yakult

Paul: Your dad also says sleep😴 on the train

Paul: But not immediately after eating 🍴

Ellie: too many emojis. but noted. time to find out if I can sleep for 144 hours

Ellie switched her phone off, leaning her head against the window as the world sped away. Her tears were dry by now and so much lay ahead of her. She kicked her shoes off and tucked her knees under her chin, watching everything fly by. Six days was impossibly long but passed sooner than they should have as she burned through books and nibbled on dumplings when she would normally be having her meals, if she was back at home. Routine helped, daily check-ups from either Paul or her father kept everything from merging together into one fussy lump.

She’d found out who her roommate was and they’d been swapping emails. It wasn’t much, just enough to know how not to murder each other while sharing a room. It was made very clear that unexpectedly moving Ellie’s things would be visibly upsetting and that she sometimes needed a lot of time to herself. Her roommate, who was an avid reader and a light sleeper who wasn’t much of a morning person, turned out to be from Sacramento and their journeys would take about the same amount of time, except her parents were driving her. Both were only children so living with someone else their age would be a mutually new experience and both were in favor of taking shoes off at the door. They would likely get along fine or just stay out of each other’s way, if needed. Everything should work out. 

Ellie Chu decided, after stepping into the dorm room and dumping her things next to one of the beds, that the first thing she wanted to do was shower. She planned it out in her head, shower, then unpack. She would wander around campus if needed since the term didn’t start for another week and she would crash on the bed if she was tired. She wasn’t sure if she was tired yet. A two hour time difference didn’t qualify as much jet lag. Aster Flores was set to arrive tomorrow around late morning and until then, the room was all hers. 

A shower turned out to be exactly the thing that would clear her mind. She ended up wandering around campus after unpacking, trying to familiarise herself as soon as possible to prevent the unwanted, terrifyingly awkward possibility of having to ask someone for directions. The campus was decidedly neutral and non-offensive to the eyes which were always good. She also found some spots that would likely be quiet even when school started, a good place to clear her mind, and plotted the quickest route from almost everywhere to the library. One could never be too careful.

Ellie also found the kitchen in the residence halls that students had access to since her father had insisted that she handle as many of her own meals as possible as “美国食物，油腻死了!” If all that “oily American food” was going to kill her, she’d reassured him that she would cook what she could. While she got some groceries, she might as well settle Paul’s list too. It was simple essential stuff, things that it was entirely likely she would have forgotten while settling in and broken down when she realized she didn’t have them when she needed them. Besides, checking out Grinnell and getting some fresh air after days of being cooped up on the train would be a pleasant change.

The town was nice. It was… flat. That wasn’t a bad thing. It wasn’t flat is in boring, it was quite literally flat. Squahamish had been built around its hills and curves and Grinnell was surprisingly geometric. That was the only way to put it. Different wasn’t bad, it would just take some adjusting to. It could be a welcome change, even. All it would take was for Ellie to sink in and be comfortable and accept this as the new normal and everything would be alright.

They say the first night at college is hard. It didn’t feel hard to Ellie, maybe because she already spent six days alone on a train and because Paul called to check up on her. Maybe, and with no offense please, most American college kids were just wussies. There was nothing she found herself crying about. Hopefully her roommate wouldn’t cry.

-

Much to Ellie Chu’s surprise, her roommate arrived at 8 am which, the last time she checked, still did not qualify as late morning. It wasn’t quite early morning either, it was just morning. She had been lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling and processing everything in her head so she wouldn’t get overwhelmed or forget what she had cataloged yesterday. She was appreciating the gentle light that the room got. It didn’t bake, or at least it wasn’t baking yet, which was a good thing.

The clicking of the door and the sound of luggage being dropped startled Ellie. Multiple footsteps on the ground. It made sense that Aster’s parents would drop her things off since they’d drive to send her to school and she wasn’t sure why the thought hadn’t crossed her mind before.

“Aquí están tus cosas, mi amor.” A man’s voice.

“No, Dad, you really didn’t have to come up here. I can handle things myself.” That must be Aster. Cliché or not, the word to describe her voice was melodic.

“Don’t miss us too much, okay?” Logical deduction would rule that as her mother. 

“Of course, Mom. I can take it from here. I’m really fine.”

Ellie sits upright and stares at her hands, listening to Aster talk. 

“Where’s your roommate? Looks like she already moved in.”

“She’s probably out. Or avoiding you guys. I’ll be back during the break, okay? I can handle things, really.”

“No hug for your Papi? Look at you, all grown up, Mija.”

Shuffling. Footsteps. The door clicks. Aster exhales loudly. 

“I know you’re there, Ellie,” she called out. “Unless you own that many pairs of shoes, in which I sound really stupid talking to myself.” 

Ellie stood up and poked her head to see the doorway. There stood, with bags scattered at her feet, a girl. To prevent possible emotional distress, Ellie turned to facts. Aster was clearly of Hispanic descent, probably a little shorter than her which said something since Ellie was 5’5”. Her hair was loosely curled and little wisps framed her face. She looked like the reality that she was finally away from her parents was sinking in and on a positive note, she didn’t look like she was about to burst into tears. She looked a little stunned, like she thought this day would never come, and relieved. Reading faces didn’t come naturally but practice helped. Watching lots of TV helped too but there was always human error. 

“No, just one pair of shoes. I’m Ellie Chu.”

Ellie hated how small and hesitant her voice sounded, how weak it was. She was a reserved girl but she wasn’t nearly that meek or timid. Finally meeting Aster Flores just made her words go dry. Her eyes flicked down to the floor, one of her hands rubbing the hem of her longsleeved shirt. 

“I know.” Aster smiled. “School year hasn’t started yet, doubt someone would already be breaking into dorm rooms.” She wore a blouse and a skirt with a jean jacket, quite the contrast from Ellie who was, as of now, only wearing two shirts and a pair of jeans that were cuffed on one side. Force of habit.

“Need a hand? I, um, good logical deduction. I mean— I could help.” Great, now she was just clumsy with words. A terrible first impression to make on someone who was an avid reader, even if Ellie was one herself. She added a weak smile. Ellie was not one of those people who smiled naturally. 

Aster’s smile didn’t fade. “Sure. Shouldn’t take too long. Maybe you could show me around if you’ve already explored campus.” She passed Ellie a duffel bag, presumably full of clothes. 

“Right, yes. I could do that.” Congratulations, Ellie, you’ve become a bumbling idiot. It wasn’t something to write home about but Paul would likely never let her hear the end of it if he found out. By nature of best friends, he would find out the next time she dropped him a text. Maybe they were both morons, who knew. 

The rest of the day was occupied with showing Aster around and making small talk which Ellie knew she was no good at. For the record, Aster was nice and kind and patient when Ellie took a wrong turn on the way back to their residence hall. Maybe they could make this work. 

“You didn’t always live here did you?” Aster asked curiously when they were back in their room that evening. “Sorry, I sound so rude. I just— I hear little ghosts of a different accent when you talk.”

“Oh,” Ellie said, suddenly self-conscious. “Lived in Suzhou until I was eleven. Moved to Seattle and then to small-town Squahamish at thirteen. Here I figured I spoke almost like a native but clearly that needs brushing up.”

“No, it’s fine! Really. It was really rude of me. You sound fine, I just hear you stress on some syllables sometimes and I got curious. It was rude. I’m so sorry.” Aster was flustered. 

“No… no, it’s fine. I was born in Malaysia, actually, but eight months isn’t nearly long enough for me to remember anything about there.”

“You move a lot. My family moved from Cuba to California and called it a day. They refused to go anywhere now. Me wanting to come to school in Iowa was nearly scandalous.” Aster laughed, a pretty sound. “Why’d you move from Malaysia to China?”

“Adopted. I mean, my mother’s Malaysian, had family in Malaysia but my dad’s from China and so I grew up there. Perks of having a Malaysian parent is having cousins.”

“Ah?” Aster made a curious sound. It felt strange sharing so much about herself with someone she barely knew but something prompted her to keep going. 

“China’s got a one-child policy. I don’t see my cousins much, always the ‘weird one who moved to America’. What’s your family like?” Ellie was relaxed enough around someone she didn’t know to not just talk but to share information which was… intriguing. 

“Busload of cousins. Being Hispanic and going to a liberal arts college doesn’t mix well with the aunts and uncles but cousins are cool. They get the whole ‘oppression of not being white’.”

“Asian and liberal arts? Not great either. White privilege isn’t just rights, huh? Cultural norms are a little… conservative.”

“Try saying conservative to the deacon’s kid. No, try saying it to the deacon’s daughter.”

“Ouch,” Ellie said, not unkindly. 

“It’s not all bad.”

“But it’s not all good,” Ellie finishes. “Yeah, I get that.”

“One of the good things about college away from home means goodbye curfew I’m not going to go wild but returning early not because I have to but because I want to is more liberating than some people realize.” 

“It is.”

“I’m going to take an early night, alright? Drive here was a little bit of a punch to the head and I learned so many new things today, I might overload.” Aster got up with the same sweet smile and headed to her bed.

“Right, overload, that’s bad. Don’t do that.” Ellie could almost kick herself. “Goodnight, Aster.”

“Goodnight, El.”

Ellie almost screamed. 

She found herself texting Paul on her bed, not sure if a call would wake Aster and Ellie was never really one for calls anyway. Thankfully, Aster did not seem to find the first night that hard either as the girl was out cold. Or she was just tired.

Ellie: met the roommate

Paul: How is she????

Ellie: I found out that I am not good with words

Paul: she prettyyyy aint she

Ellie: I mean yes she is but really 

Paul: Wut

There was a surprising lack of emojis.

Ellie: how’s my dad

Paul: He’s fineeeeee!!!!!!

Paul: Tell me about the girl 🤩

There the emojis were. 

Ellie: she’s nice. we’ll talk more tomorrow. I’ll call you tomorrow

Paul: You better

Ellie: I will. goodnight paul

Paul: Anything else to say????? This cant be it!!!!!!!!!!

Ellie: she called me el

Paul: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! scandalous

Ellie: goodnIGHT paul

Paul: GoodnIGHT El

Ellie: no

Paul: finee goodnight Ellie

She fell asleep smiling. 

-

The next morning, Ellie found herself awake before Aster. She decided that she would honor her father’s wishes but cafeteria food couldn’t be that bad. Especially breakfast food if she stayed away from fried things and grabbed a bagel or a soft-boiled egg and toast. 

Spoiler alert: it could be that bad. Thankfully, there were bagels, eggs, and toast. On a whim, Ellie grabbed some food for Aster. She didn’t know what the other girl ate but this seemed fairly safe. She threw in an apple too, because apples taste good. Ellie also happened to be quite good at balancing things and keeping her head low, walking fast, and getting to a place in mind without getting lost. 

A standard movie cliché would be dropping everything and a popular boy would help her pick them up. Ugh. She had no time for movie clichés or popular boys. Ellie Chu was self-reliant and didn’t really have much time for anyone unless she was making quick cash ghostwriting their essays. Unfortunately, college was too high stakes to get busted for what could count as plagiarism. She wrote every essay differently but it definitely wasn’t legal on some level.

She would need a real job this time. Tutoring classmates later in the school year wasn’t out of the option but it required too much extroversion. If she got lucky, she could work at the local library. It was unclear how the school library felt about hiring students. An F&B job wasn’t the worst but it wasn’t the best. It would likely require smiles and the ability to work under pressure and the noise would kill. The library would be her first choice, quiet cafe the next. Bike shop wouldn’t be bad either. She’d spent four years working on her own bike back home in Squahamish. Still, that was a problem for a different time.

When Ellie returned to the room, Aster was still asleep, but barely. Her hair was all messed up, tangling at the ends and even in her sleep, she had a serene smile on her face, the crease of her pillow likely going to implant into her cheek. Her eyelids flutter before squeezing shut, groaning. Ellie stumbled back. 

A heavy exhale later, Aster pulled herself up, one hand smoothing her hair. 

“Brought you breakfast. In case they ran out,” Ellie mumbled, gesturing to the table before practically scampering out of the room. 

Ellie is like a mouse, an adorably skittish mouse, Aster thought to herself while chewing on the bagel Ellie had left for her. It was good, plain by itself but she’d also provided butter and jam, in case Aster wanted any. It was awfully considerate of Ellie to bring breakfast and she already knew that she and her roommate would get on just fine. 

The roommate in question was burying her head in her hands in the bathroom, pretending that she hadn’t seen Aster’s shirt ride up a little while the other girl stretched. Ellie, the girl who covered herself in layers of clothing, was not used to this. She didn’t want to think about how cute Aster looked, still half asleep, because she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. 

That didn’t matter. Feelings, even platonic ones, were not of much use to Ellie and she wouldn’t let herself dwell on them any longer. A quick splash of water on her face and she walked out of the bathroom and sat down next to Aster. 

“I wasn’t sure what you liked so-”

“This is fine. Thanks, El. Couldn’t ask for a better roommate.” Aster flashed a smile before she resumed eating. 

Just wait until school starts, Ellie thought, you haven’t seen me stressed yet. That would come in time but now it was just Ellie sitting next to Aster as she ate. 

“Anything you want to do today?” 

“Oh, I… You want to do something with me?” Ellie hated how she struggled for words. In writing, she was eloquent but in speech, she was far from that. 

“Yeah. Like friends, you know? I don’t know anyone else here so we could be friends.”

“Friends! Friends are good. I never really had friends, I was the kind of person that didn’t exist until you want an A on your essay and couldn’t do it yourself. I mean, other than Paul but still. I would love to do something with you.” She could kick herself again.

“That’s cheating,” Aster said. It wasn’t judgemental, just factual.

“I needed income.”

“Fair, fair.” She laughed. “Who’s Paul?”

“Best friend in Squahamish. I mean, only friend puts your right up at best friend but even if I had other friends, he’d probably still be my best friend. He’s a good guy, keeps my dad from empty nest syndrome too since he claims to be around almost all the time.” 

Ellie found herself thinking about a scene from one of the shows she liked to watch. One of the characters talked about never letting herself drop an anchor before and a boy offered to be her platonic anchor. A platanchor, he had called it. Paul was Ellie’s platanchor. 

“Totally going to stereotype here but lemme guess: Dungeons and Dragons-type nerd?”

“Football jock, actually. The unlikeliest of friendships, I know.” Talking about Paul made Ellie smile, just the sense of being and being safe and having everything be predictable. “So then, four days to start of the school term, what do you want to do?”

“Let’s wander around, see where the world takes us!” Aster declared.

Unpredictably didn’t sit well with Ellie but it sounded like a solid enough plan, for some reason.

What Ellie noticed almost immediately was that appreciative glances from boys and even a few girls followed Aster as she walked. Ellie had noticed that Aster was very conventionally attractive but she never thought about how others reacted to it. 

“Doesn’t it bother you when they do that?” Ellie hissed to Aster.

“Do what?”

“You know, stare?” 

“It does, a little. Just ignore it.”

Ellie scoffed, sliding her arm between Aster’s and her body. and glaring at anyone who stared. It wasn’t holding hands but it was sent a message.

“Better?”

“Who knew I got a possessive roommate?”

“I could stop if you want. I just don’t appreciate people noticing me and since I am with you, noticing you too. I mean, if that overstepped anything then-” Ellie was panicking. 

Panicking wasn’t good. Her free hand meddled with the hem of her jacket.

“No, this is good. I want to be left alone too. It’s like have a bodyguard, except both of us are kinda tiny. But good glaring, that deters people.”

“Mhmm.”

“You know, none of my friends in Sacramento ever did this. They just told me to appreciate the attention I was getting. This is different.”

And different could be good. 

“My mom taught me not to take shit from boys and when I still visited my cousins in Malaysia, some of them lived in kampungs and taught me how to defend myself. They also taught me how to look like I would beat up anyone who crosses me. Doesn’t work very well with how I look but the glare does things.”

“Small and intimidating,” Aster teased.

“Excuse me?” Ellie feigned mock offense. “I’m taller than you.”

“Badass overprotective friend, who will beat people up?”

“Maybe.” Ellie was good at faking things if needed. She’d had her whole 18 years of existence to try to blend in with the crowd. She was quiet and easily intimidated but she could seem pretty tough too, if she wanted to. For a good cause maybe. She’d never had the need to act tough before. People’s eyes seemed to slide right over her without really seeing, like she wasn’t there most of the time and she liked it that way. As a child, the only kind of attention she got was when people realized that she wasn’t quite like them and in the harsh world of children that were learning all of the adult’s cruelty without the knowledge of how to soften their words to political correctness, being different meant negative attention. So Ellie had taught herself how to sink into the background and suppress any outbursts, to put enough walls up that nobody could really know what was going on. If it weren’t for the fact that nobody had never seen Ellie’s mother in Squahamish, it would likely never cross anybody’s mind that she was dead.

“Hey, are you ok?”

Ellie clenched her hand on her too-long sleeve. “Not- Not usually so close to people,” she muttered. She wasn’t sure if she meant physically or emotionally. Maybe both.

“If you’re not comfortable, it’s fine.” Aster was kind. She was almost too kind, kind to the point where people could easily take advantage of her because she didn’t want to say no.

Ellie just hummed and moved her hand a little further from Aster’s. She suddenly wasn’t in the mood to talk. She didn’t mind people talking to her but they wouldn’t get much of a response. Her mind was racing and that left little space to do anything else. She gestured vaguely with her left hand before realizing that she would actually have to get words out of her mouth for Aster to understand her. 

“Going to listen to music.” Conventional social rules considered that rude. “Just one side.” Aster would want an explanation. “Gives me something to focus on, clear my mind.” She would have questions, Ellie would say too much. “I…”

“It’s ok. World’s noisy sometimes, can I listen too?” See, too kind. Too understanding. Ellie’s walls didn’t understand why Aster was doing this other than the possibly farfetched possibility is that Aster was learning Ellie’s most vulnerable spots to turn them against her later. But, Aster was kind and her voice was gentle and she was giving Ellie an option. 

Some fumbling later, Ellie pulled her earbuds out of a jacket pocket and handed one side to Aster, wordless. 

Aster wasn’t sure what she was expecting from Ellie and Cavetown and Coldplay wasn’t too surprising. However, a glimpse at Ellie’s phone proved that she listened to polar opposite genres. She caught country-pop, dubstep, pop-punk, indie-rock, bedroom music, lo-fi, dream-pop. Ellie was surprising but she didn’t comment on it. She probably listened to every genre possible. 

There was something special about roaming the grounds side-by-side, connected by a pair of earbuds with their steps walking in sync to the beat. It could’ve been out of a movie. Ellie rationalized that it wasn’t a cliché because it wasn’t with a boy and like any boy she’d met before would do something like this. 

Very few appreciate the ability to share content silence without feeling the need to fill it with words. Even fewer appreciate it within 48 hours of meeting each other. Ellie liked Aster and it felt good to be her roommate. If she had been rooming with anyone less understanding, it would be a year of hell and possibly begging to switch rooms. No, this was good.

Ellie learned that Aster had a quick eye for detail and whiplash conclusions based on deduction. Ellie, herself, found logical deduction entertaining. It turned the world into a puzzle and it was fun to see if she was correct. They had more in common than what most people saw at first glance. They weren’t shy nerd and superficial popular girl. They found a nice spot where enough people walked past and sat there, trying to guess things about people. For a moment, they weren’t puzzles, just people and there was something Ellie enjoyed in that, just breaking things down to facts.

They also learned the classes that each other was taking and what they looked forward to the most. Ellie realized that for a few hours a week, she might not be sitting at the back of the class, trying to make herself invisible. That was if Aster wanted to sit with her, anyway. The answer turned out to be ‘Of course, why wouldn’t I?’ and Ellie felt herself sinking into the Grinnell life. There was reassurance and there was a perceivably amount of safety and this was going to be a good year. While things aren’t all predictable and she would never know which route life was going take, it felt like it was going to be a good year and so it would be.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! sorry for the slow in updates, I kinda binged two tv series in a few days and didn't write at all. also because school SUCKS and my dad would NOT stop yelling at me. terrible. so writing quality might have taken a nose dive but hopefully not. thanks for the read

Before classes began, there would be a week of orientation. Ellie carefully stayed away from the Peer Connections Pre-Orientation Programme which the school called PCPOP. Being Chinese, an immigrant, and of a deceased parent, she’d been highly encouraged to join. Mrs. G. had written a very nice email to the school mentioning Ellie’s ‘anxiety’ which meant the school encouraged her even more to join. Someone must have let slip that she was adopted too because nobody in this school must have been more encouraged to join than her. She declined. 

Joining meant singling herself out as different from most. Being singled out as different made blending in difficult. She would rather not go down the path. Perhaps, later in the school year, she would subtly integrate herself into the PCPOP, when she had built up her anonymity and confidence. Aster, also being a person of color and a first-generation American, had offered to go with her. They settled on skipping together in favor of discussing literature. Ellie couldn’t help feeling that she was somehow missing out by turning it down but she ignored it. 

Eventually, orientation rolled around. Ellie wanted to hate it but she couldn’t. It went against everything in her and while she still found herself speaking only when spoken too and shyly raising her hand once in a while, it was fun. She was reserved by nature but she learned a lot about the faces that would eventually become familiar around campus and some of the guesses she and Aster had made turned out to be correct.

There were more Asians than she had ever seen in a long, long time. There were a decent number of Asians in Seattle but Ellie had kept to herself in class, trying to adjust to the American education system and, on occasion, run out of class on a frantic phone call from her father. It was a scare but everything had been all right then. She only shut herself in more after her mother’s death but she knew for a fact that there were only two Asians in Squahamish: her and her father. 

Here, there were students from different parts of Asia. Too many names were thrown at her on the first day but she remembered a charismatic visual artist from India who called himself the classic “we sent you to America to become a doctor, not a drawer” Asian disappointment, drawing laughter from fellow students of color. There was a bright-eyed fifteen-year-old Singaporean girl who seemed out of place at first but eventually relaxed when she found that nobody really cared about the age difference. Apparently skipping a year in Singapore was nearly impossible and always drew attention. (Although younger students traditionally lived with their families off-campus, she’d gotten a room to herself. The option of rooming with other students had been presented but she politely declined. After all, Asians are taught to be independent early, she’d laughed. She didn’t attend five-day camps and expedition courses mandated by the ministry of education’s curriculum for nothing.) There were others too, international and local students, who didn’t fit the bill of a caucasian American citizen with two loving parents. It was diverse. It was new. 

Ellie realized that she could very well have skipped several years of school. She could’ve been graduating by now but when she’d first come to the United States, she took time to adapt to the new environment while still being miles ahead of her peers. When she moved to Squahamish, she was still so far ahead but she didn’t want to push herself. Grieving a dead mother and taking care of her father was enough for her to settle for good grades and a side job of ghostwriting to tide them across the months. Still, she wondered what it could’ve been like.

Aster stood by her throughout orientation, sneaking in clever comments in hushed tones when things got boring. Ellie hadn’t had a friend in a long time and she had forgotten how fun it was. It wasn’t that Paul didn’t count, only that he was… different. Their dynamic was so different from that of people their age. The way that they had become friends was different from that of most people their age. In this instance, it was so different from what she and Aster had. 

As much as she wished that it had, the staring that Aster received hadn’t miraculously stopped. Ellie might miss social cues often but she could tell when boys began to come over to talk to Aster, not because they were genuinely interested in being her friend but because they had an ulterior motive in mind. She slouched and dug her hands deep in her pockets, trying to become invisible while boys flirted shamelessly with Aster who laughed and smiled and entered her number into their phones. Ellie pretended she hadn’t flushed red and wanted to die a little inside when one of them had asked Aster why she hung out with her anyway. She knew he probably didn’t mean for it to come off so rude but his words stung. She knew it was too good to be true. Eventually, Aster would be swept off by popular circles and a popular guy who would join them at the hip. It was a logical, unavoidable truth that would come to pass in Ellie’s mind. 

“Trig’s kinda cute, isn’t he?” Aster asked.

Ellie, who had not been paying attention to any of the boys, rather lost in her own world, startled and blinked owlishly. “Oh.”

“You don’t care about boys.” It was a statement, not a question. It was a deduction. 

“Other people were never high on my list of priorities.” She hesitated. “That might change, I guess.” She’d never experienced any attraction to boys as far as she knew, although it was entirely likely that she had but had simply ignored it in favor of good grades and it soon faded from her mind. 

“Actually, Josiah said you were pretty cute but you seem closed off. People don’t talk to you so much because they think you wouldn’t appreciate it.” Aster didn’t say it unkindly. “He wanted to know if you had someone, back home maybe? Paul?”

“God, no! He’s just a friend, he- I- we would never-”

“Calm down, El.” Aster laughed, tucking a stray wisp of hair behind Ellie’s ear. “I get it”

Ellie opened and closed her mouth, trying to formulate a coherent sentence before finally settling on: “And they talk to you because you laugh and look open?” 

“Yeah. But being closed off isn’t bad either, it’s just you.”

“Oh.”

“You have a really cute smile and because you don’t smile so much, it means more when you do it.” Aster seemed to fumble for words to say. There was an awkward sort of tension between the two of them now. “I would hug you but-”

“Not yet.”

-

Later, during dinner, Aster and Ellie sat alone, Aster leaning on Ellie’s shoulder, who glared at some of the boys who had approached Aster earlier in the day. 

“Are you okay?” Aster finally asked. 

“Yes.”

“You’re quiet.”

“I’m always like this. Just… Just tired. Lots of people, possibly too many people.”

“Overwhelmed?”

“Not yet. Hopefully not at all. Thanks.”

“Theo has a lot of the same classes as you. He’s walking this way, don’t glare at him.” 

“As you wish, M’lady.” 

Aster laughed. 

Theodor Andersen was a nice boy from Norway who laughed easily, with deep dimples and had dark blue eyes that glinted mischievously, and had talked of his younger brother, Lukas, who would’ve started college a year before him, had he not been too anxious to study abroad alone. Theo, himself, was quite brilliant and Ellie hadn’t been planning to glare at him anyway. He had no eyes for girls, instead he was constantly taking everything around him, a book always tucked in his hand. 

“Hey, guys. Is this seat taken?” He asked. 

Aster sat up straight and glanced at Ellie. “Nah, you can join us.” She flashed a bright smile. 

Theo sat down, book in hand. “Ellie, right? I think we have some classes together. I thought I’d scout out some of my classmates first, get to know you. Why’d you want to come to Grinnell?”

Ellie was surprised. Very few people chose to speak to her, interested in her and what she thought of things. “I got egged on by a very passionate literature teacher who was very insistent. And a friend. And a father with 18 meals worth of dumplings.”

“Ah.” Theo paused, taking it all in. “I didn’t take you as that motivated by food. You cook?”

“She promised to cook for me one day, didn’t you, Ellie?” Aster interjected.

Ellie, on familiar ground, brightened up and began talking about the different things she planned to cook, enthusiasm building slowly. People were rarely so interested in her and even though her eyes didn’t meet theirs as she talked, she was talking a lot more than she had at once before. 

She mentioned that, in Squahamish, the nearest Asian supermarket was hours on a bike, so she had learned to improvise and to make meals that had ingredients from a fusion of cultures. Of course, she hadn’t cooked much since… Her voice had trailed off, hands busying themselves with something. Her enthusiasm slowly picked up again when she talked about the different things she wanted to try here and that she’d definitely let them taste if they wanted. 

Theo offered to attempt cooking some Norwegian food and they could try but any food poisoning would be on them. He didn’t cook well and was prone to setting things on fire which was a mega safety hazard. Still, the three found themselves bonding over something that Ellie hadn’t expected.

She had never been big about food but food was a big part of her culture and explaining it to people who didn’t know much about it made her feel an inexplicable sense of pride. Perhaps part of it came from the fact that Theo and Aster were from wildly different backgrounds and were also eager to share their knowledge. Theo was an international student and Aster and Ellie didn’t belong to the majority race, here in the United States, so being able to discuss this with people who understood where she was coming from was new. It was amazing. 

Before heading back to their rooms, the three traded phone numbers and Ellie agreed to teach Theo some basic kitchen safety one day, lest he be banned from using the kitchens in the residence halls.

That night, after Ellie had called her father to update him on how the first day of orientation had been like (he’d also informed her that the family that ran the Chinese restaurant not too far from the college was a distant relative of his neighbor’s best friend growing up. This made Ellie laugh because as much as every Asian knowing each other was a harmful stereotype, unlikely connections could still be found at times), she swapped a few messages with Paul before settling down to sleep. However, a million thoughts raced through her mind as she tried to process things. 

It surprised Ellie that she had no trouble letting Aster be so close to her and that she had no trouble holding a conversation with Theo who hadn’t said anything about her lack of eye contact. Grinnell was a cultural shock when it proved to be as diverse as promised, and it was a shock in a good way. 

Ellie had arrived at Grinnell with few expectations, expecting to keep her head down and let time pass with routine. This was definitely not what she expected. She could see— a dim possibility but still a possibility— of her opening up, of her being like any other student, even if more academically focused. For a brief, shining moment, she imagined herself being normal. There was a question, of course, of what normal really was but it was a bright possibility and Ellie found herself wondering if she should cling to it or dismiss it as something that would only happen in a very specific situation. She didn’t want false hope but she didn’t want to rule out the possibility— the very distant possibility, she reminded herself. When you believe things like this won’t happen and don’t even offer a sliver of doubt that it might, they won’t happen. That’s just the way things are. 

Meanwhile, Aster lay awake in her bed, staring at the ceiling. Her mind spun, trying to make sense of the day, and of Ellie who was so unlike anyone she’d been so close to before. The boys were the same, their attention would be something she’d never be free of and she’d come to accept it. There were a few good looking ones but it felt so shallow deciding things about people based solely on the way they looked. Aster Flores was sure of very few things, no matter how sure she appeared on the surface, but what she did know was that she hadn’t been lying when she said that Ellie had a cute smile. Ellie barely smiled and they were regrettably all blink-and-you-miss it small smiles. A ghost of a grin had tugged at Ellie’s when she had talked about what she was passionate about and even not fully smiling, Ellie had looked so cute. 

Aster saw how she was hesitant to emerge from the walls she’d bricked herself up behind and put herself out there and some part of Aster wanted to hold Ellie in her arms and tell her that everything would be alright, that if she fell, she could get up again and Aster would be there to support her and she didn’t have to be so afraid of what lay out there. The truth was that Aster, too, was afraid of what was out there. She had learned that family was where home was and that home was safe because family was safe and may she never stray too far from them. Her family and God were all she needed and all she would ever need. Why would she have to put herself out there when her grandparents had worked so hard and moved the family to Sacramento where she would have all she would ever want?

Now that Aster had finally gotten out of her family’s suffocating grasp, she suddenly wasn’t sure what she was doing. She’d dreamt of doing this all her life and now that she finally had it, the realization that she’d never thought about what came next was dawning on her. Aster hated the little part of herself that still believed that going to a college so far away from family was a mistake but being aware didn’t always make things better. The irrational mind was like that. Still, she pushed the tiny but persistent voice to the furthest reaches of her mind and turned around and screwed her eyes shut, mumbling a prayer.

-

It would be on the second academic day of school, eight days later, that Ellie had her first breakdown. She had been telling herself that she should survive a month, a month after and it would never happen but it did and it was over something so stupid that she hated herself enough to almost have another breakdown over having a breakdown. 

It was a small accumulation of things. The Marketplace had been unbearably crowded and noisy, filled with the chatter of various students and her food had been touching. These two things, on their own, barely bothered Ellie and were both ignorable, though the first taking a little more effort. However, Trig Carson had slid his way into the seat next to Aster and had thrown a careless arm over her shoulder. He was too full of himself and he talked too much. Ellie was also unlucky enough to have back to back classes on opposite sides of the campus and the first teacher had dismissed the class barely on time. She had been late. It didn’t matter that she was barely late and that everyone else was also late. She was late and that bothered her. A million tiny things built up until Ellie found herself slipping out of a class and into the toilet, shakily gasping for breath. 

The final straw had been an open room discussion. Everyone had been talking at once and when Ellie tried to get a word in, nobody heard her. She suddenly felt small and invisible, crammed into a tiny box that was rapidly running out of air because everyone else was sucking it up.

There was nobody around when she rocked on her heels, scrubbing her hands hard under running water and tried to breathe. 

The problem with hyperventilating was that one often found themself short of breath, prompting them to do that even harder and feeling light-headed would make one panic.

And hyperventilate. 

She couldn’t even think or focus on anything, she knew, pre-panic, that she was supposed to ground herself, but all thoughts fled her mind.

Everything was too much. 

She wanted to slam her head against the cold tile wall, clenching her fists tight, anything to find herself in the overwhelming world.

It hurt and she hated it.

It wouldn’t stop, it wouldn’t stop, it wouldn’t stop, it wouldn’t stop, it wouldn’t— 

It wouldn’t stop.

When Ellie finally managed to calm herself down, she hated herself. What had ever made her think that she would be fine in college? Two days in and she’d already run out of class, forcing out some excuse about needing to use the toilet, and broken down. There were fluorescent lights in this particular toilet and the sound of them humming hurt her ears. Everything was wrong and bad and unfamiliar and Ellie wasn’t just tired, she was exhausted. She wanted to sleep for days, maybe even never wake up. 

The whole ordeal in the toilet couldn’t have taken more than fifteen minutes but it was like she’d been dragged to hell and back. The only good news was that she had no more classes for the day and could easily go back to her dorm room, curl up and sleep. Sleeping for days wasn’t allowed but until tomorrow. She could manage until tomorrow.

The unfortunate thing was that she had left her things in the classroom. The class itself had ended but surely there would be questions she wasn’t prepared to answer. If she could even force any words out of her mouth in this post-meltdown state, that would be a miracle. The good news that her phone had been in her back pocket when she left class and a miracle came along in the form of Theodor Andersen. 

Theo: hi ellie, hope ur alright

Theo: i got ur things, meet me outside ur dorm? or i can pass them to aster if u want

That boy was a blessing. 

Ellie: outside dorm. thanks

She struggled for words but typing was still easier than talking. Theo stood outside her room, her bag and papers in hand. His quick eyes surveyed her, mental gears turning. He suspected something but now wasn’t the time to say it. 

“Here you go. You didn’t miss anything important.” He passed her things back, seemingly not caring about her disheveled appearance and how she was unusually silent, even for herself. “I want to ask you something but I think you should rest up.” He said, seeming to have just decided on these words. “I explained it to the teacher. Email me, text me or call me, okay?”

Ellie nodded, slight and barely there. 

“I can ask Aster to bring you food. You don’t look like you’re ready to brave the Marketplace for dinner.”

Nod.

“Take care,” he added, with a cheerful thumbs-up. 

Later, when Ellie’s head was clear, she would recall something unformed in Theo’s gaze, something he wanted to say but was holding himself back on. She would think how odd it was that he knew not to press her with so many questions, how understanding he was. For someone who barely knew her, he was so concerned and he made all the right guesses. She made a mental note to thank him properly when she had the strength to. 

Aster had brought simple, plain food. She was more hesitant than Theo but how she cared for Ellie and told her that it was alright and she didn’t have to eat if she didn’t want to and that she was so sorry that Ellie had a bad day and was there anything she could do to help? Ellie had answered slowly, with shorter responses than usual. For once, in a long, long while, Ellie felt understood. Even if they didn’t get the full picture, she felt cared for, she felt loved. Not that her father did not love her, not that Paul didn’t care for her but Theo seemed to understand where she was coming from and Aster understood in a different way but she understood too. It was an odd realization and it surely meant something but she did not have time to think about it, falling asleep almost immediately after texting Paul a “tired out, don’t worry. having an early night”.

Maybe she felt guilty, for giving nobody an explanation as to her random outburst, earlier in the day but what was she to say? I’m sorry, my food touched in the morning and everything got progressively worse and I want to die? The way her brain was wired was just so different and there was no way to explain it other than to go into the small details of the tiny things that had bothered her. She would just sound like an ungrateful brat. Her thoughts paused for a moment, wondering where those words had come from. These sounded like the words of a fed-up parent and, as far as she could remember, her father had never used them on her. 

Mind full, body exhausted, Ellie eventually fell into a restless sleep, unaware that Aster had been watching her, making sure that Ellie was taken care off before she went to do her own things. 

-

The next day, Ellie hesitantly dropped Theo a text. He probably had a million questions for her and she wasn’t sure if she was prepared to answer them all. 

Ellie: hey. you wanted to talk?

Theo: yea on here?

Ellie: okay

Theo: pls dont kill me for saying this

Ellie: why would I

Theo: i mean it in the least offensive way possible ok???? dont get mad

Theo: i actually suspected for a while and didnt say anyth but when u had a meltdown, i did what i wouldve done if it was my brother. i think ure like him. 

Theo: and it worked. so 

Ellie: ???

Theo: u know my brother lukas?

Theo: rlly smart and twice as anxious

Ellie: yes?

Theo: hes autistic. 

Ellie: so you think I’m autistic?

Theo: well yes kinda

Ellie: oh

Ellie sat back onto her bed, putting her phone down. She had been a curious child who would go hunting for answers at almost any cost and it would be stranger if she had never heard of that word before. She knew what she was, she knew she had a “condition”, she knew that in her household, nobody really said the name. Because there, it wasn’t so much of a condition or disorder or disability as a part of Ellie and that was a fact and that was enough. She was aware, on some repressed level, that she was probably autistic, and had used many of the same coping mechanisms as autistic people to cope with her life. 

The difference was that nobody had ever told her before. 

All this while, she suspected and she researched and it stopped there. But now, somebody was giving another opinion to her suspicions and maybe she wasn’t faking it, maybe she actually was. Suddenly, it hit her and all she could say was “oh”.

Her phone was going crazy with messages from Theo who was explaining that he meant it in a non-offensive, genuinely concerned way and maybe she should get it checked out. 

Theo: it doesnt change anyth but u could get help at sch and stuff. disability services jic? u shouldnt have to do this alone. right now u have nothing when u should have. might help? dont kill me

Ellie: its okay. won’t kill you

Theo: that is a RELIEF

Ellie: ill think about it. 

Theo: :]

But she had managed to cope all these years, all by herself, so logic told her that now shouldn’t be any different and that she would adapt and cope too. On the other hand, logic also told her that things were changed and she might not hold up so well and that would be normal too. Logic was telling her so much but she didn’t know which to listen to. It could also, she reasoned, be a problem for another time. That could be because she didn’t want to think about it too hard and cause her father to worry but also because she had class soon and would need to get going. 

Today, Ellie wore a plain shirt with a flannel one over and grabbed her favorite jacket. In case it got cold maybe, or if she needed its comfort. Aster didn’t have classes until afternoon, for some reason, and was sleeping in. Passing her, Ellie stared for a moment too long before grabbing a post-it off her desk and scribbling on it a haphazard “Thanks”. She paused for a moment, deliberating where to place it before pressing it against Aster’s forehead with a smile. Aster appreciated their playful banter and wouldn’t kill Ellie for this. Humans were unpredictable but she was quite sure of this.

She walked into her first class with a content smile on her face and a thumbs up from Theo. Things were going to be okay. One day’s breakdown wasn’t going to be a huge setback and she had friends here who would help her if ever needed. The only word to describe how Ellie felt was lucky. She was lucky to be here and lucky to have them, who cared for her so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to note, I struggled with writing Ellie's meltdown because when I meltdown, I'm so overwhelmed I can't even think. It's hard to put to words for me unless those words are "AAAAAAAAAAAA" because that might come a little close. Ellie being autistic isn't her whole personality but it is a part of her and I decided to write her like this to explore her character and how it reminded me of my attracted to girls, AFAB, Asian and autistic self. yeah I phrased it like that for the A's. 
> 
> here is a PSA since I'm directly addressing Ellie's (and Lucas's) autism now: don't support Autism $peaks!! do not and never
> 
> come say hi to me on Tumblr at outspaced-writers :)


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